Sometimes being loved hurts like hell.
At least hell as CS Lewis described it in The Great Divorce— a place of self-exile where the doors are locked from the inside, and the only path out is receiving the unquenchable fire of God’s love.
Isn’t it funny that God and Gehenna are described with similar imagery? Fire.
I’ve experienced this firsthand, how an act of love can feel like hot coals being dumped on my head. This is especially true if I’m in self-exile, disconnected from everyone but myself because at least I’m in control when I’m the only one betraying me.
When I’m in that space- doors locked, key swallowed- love is hellaciously confronting. It challenges my obsession with control, my companionship with shame, and my commitment to isolation.
It’s like the story I’ve shared with you about Todd’s boss giving us $1,000 for Christmas… but all I felt was fire-hot resentment because I was jealous they were rich. Their generosity felt a lot like torture.
But when I’m not in exile, love’s fire is the only way I don’t grow cold-hearted. And in more moments than I could possibly tally, the love of God was the only light revealing my next step. It has been a spark of courage when I felt terrified. It has illuminated my mind and revealed a truer understanding of God’s nature.
In my experience, the fire of love feels either hellacious or heavenly depending on my own willingness to receive that love. To participate in love.
This reminds me of the famous parable in Luke’s Gospel about a father and two sons. For one son, the party was heaven. For the other? It was hell. To the beloved son living in exile, his father said, “Son… you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.”
This is your invitation. You don’t have to self-evict from the love that is yours and has always been yours. Open up and let the light in.
-Savannah
Writing Prompt: Does God’s love feel divine or damning to you right now? Write about your experience.
Recommended Listening: I can’t help myself. This song has been in my head the whole time.
I think for me right now, love feels hard and a little hellish, but I think it’s because unconditional love from God and close friends has been a salve being poured onto open wounds. Once they’re bound up and sealed off for a while, I think eventually, the relief of healing will feel like heaven. It’s happened before and I know God is doing that work in me again.