Pop Culture Parables
Gilmore Girls S1 E6 - when you stop playing your role in the family system
Intro: Pop Culture Parables is a series where I focus on God-threads I see in TV shows and movies. Every Fall I rewatch Gilmore Girls so I’m focusing on that show for now- but if you haven’t seen it, you can still follow along!
For Rory’s 16th birthday, Emily planned a massive party at the Gilmore mansion and invited her entire class to attend. Emily meant well, but the party was not Rory’s style. It was stuffy, formal, and full of people she didn’t have a relationship with.
Rory knew the party wasn’t going to be fun but she didn’t speak up because Lorelai and Emily were finally getting along and she didn’t want to ruin that. She told Lane, “They never get along, and now suddenly they're getting along, and I knew that if I told Mom about the invites she'd wig out and call Grandma.”
Many of us were taught that harmony was the same thing as peace; that maintaining order by playing our established role and keeping quiet was the highest form of good.
Recently my therapist talked about the power of homeostasis in family systems. He said these systems naturally pull towards equilibrium even if it is unhealthy. That is why, for example, setting a boundary in the context of a family/work/church system is not a one-time deal. You set a boundary. Then set it again. Then set it again. Then set it again. And if you aren’t intentional with your new pattern, you will get sucked back into the homeostasis of the old system.
Think of a system you participate in- maybe it’s your family or work or church or an online community. Maybe your role in the system is helper. Maybe your role in the system is rescuer. Maybe it’s leader or rule-follower or responsible or funny.
I’ve found that the roles we play can trap us if they turn into rigid expectations. If we are not able to evolve, shift, and be loved outside our performance, we are compacted into one-dimensional characters rather than complex humans. This is how systems are crystallized- when dad becomes the responsible one and daughter becomes the perfect one and son becomes the funny one.
The system only works if each individual fits into their narrow role- otherwise, the balance is disrupted and the one who disrupts is often scapegoated.
For Rory to speak up would require evolving out of her role as the good peacekeeper. That’s why she stayed quiet and let her grandmother throw a party she hated. Of course, she ended up blowing up during the party and speaking her mind…. but, like clockwork, she quickly pulled back into the established homeostasis with an attempted apology and heartfelt invitation for her grandparents to attend her birthday party in Stars Hollow.
Roles are not a bad thing, but when roles turn into one-dimensional expectations they leave little room for growth. This is something I love about the prismatic way God is described by authors in the Bible. God is many different things: helper, friend, Lord, love, rescuer, provider, and King. There is a dynamic complexity around the internal network that makes up God, and that many-ness is mirrored in us. We are lots of things and our full selves are worthy of belonging in our families, churches, relationships, jobs, etc.
In the same way, the people around you are worthy of belonging in their fullness. Do you give room for people to change? Do you open space for your friends and family to operate outside their roles even if it is disruptive?
-Savannah
Writing Prompt: Are there any systems you’re afraid to disrupt even though your "designated role” isn’t working for you anymore? What would it look like to tell the truth? What fear is trapping you in silence?
Recommended Watching: Gilmore Girls Season 1 Episode 6