I had to send rejection emails to five people who didn’t get a job I interviewed them for. I hated it. I like hiring people, not telling them we “found a better fit” who “better meets the company’s needs” and “can grow into the role” and all the other professional language we wrap around the word “No.”
I talked to my boss about it and he asked if I was cringing because people responded poorly.
But it was the opposite, actually. Everyone was remarkably kind, complimentary, and thanked me for my time.
“I don’t know why that made it feel even worse,” I said with a chuckle.
“Maybe it’s because they are showing you that you’re still lovable even if you don’t tell them what they want to hear.”
Yikes! He was right.
"Just trying to hold up a mirror,” he said.
These mirror moments are pivotal when it comes to self-awareness and resisting judgment. Jesus talked about it in terms of specks and logs: “First, take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”
Or, to reimagine it,
First, before you judge or criticize or blame or confront, look at yourself in the mirror. What do you notice? Are you scared? Envious? Triggered? Angry? Grieving? Overwhelmed? What can you take ownership of? What needs to be healed?
We can do this for others, too. A good question operates as a wonderful mirror.
One time, a friend of mine watched the movie “I, Tonya” which tells the story of Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan from the perspective of Tonya Harding. I haven’t seen it, but from my understanding, the movie aimed to humanize Tonya. Anyways, I grabbed dinner with my friend afterwards and she was very unlike herself. She was critical of the meal for no reason, making jabs at me for no reason, and had very frazzled energy for no reason.
Of course, there’s always a reason. So I started asking questions.
“How was your week?”
“Oh cool, did you have any time to unwind?”
“What did you get into today?”
“You saw a movie? What movie?”
“Oh! How was it?”
She talked about the movie for twenty minutes with genuine anger in her eyes.
I asked her what she would have changed about the movie.
“Everyone’s a victim nowadays,” she said. “And Tonya needs to take responsibility for her actions. I grew up in chaos and I’ve never clobbered anyone.”
There it is.
The mirror moment.
For my friend, this movie activated a number of things— anger towards folks who do not take responsibility for their actions, judgment towards those who blame their current choices on their past, some fear around addressing her own childhood and trauma, maybe some hidden sadness around the “chaos” in her childhood, etc.
But when she walked into dinner, she was fixated on specks— the food, me, the movie, whatever.
In the same way my boss held up a mirror for me, I held up a mirror for her and invited to slow down and ask, “What is in my own eye? My own life? What do I see?”
I’ve come to treasure this practice deeply and I hope it helps you this week.
-Savannah
Writing Prompt: Close your eyes and imagine holding up a mirror to your heart. What do you see? What is in there?
Recommended Reading: Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. Have I recommended this book yet? It can be super helpful for understanding how the heart works. I pick it up and go through a few pages at a time!