The first time I got sucked into a 24-hour news cycle was in 2013 after the Boston Marathon bombing. I felt the adrenaline pulsing through my veins, the fear choking my heart, the dryness in my eyes from staring at a television for so many hours. I thought watching for just five more minutes would give me the data I needed to know who to blame. I was sucked in to the bizarre blend of performance art and reporting we call the news.
By 2016, I found myself resenting people who voted differently. I’ve written about this before, but I actually felt hate for certain politicians— for people I had never met in my life.
I was reading a collection of quotes and this one from Dorothy Day brought me to my senses: “I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least.”
Or, in the words of the Elder in 1 John, “Those who say, “I love God,” and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars.”
In that moment, I did a very old-school thing: repented.
Even when the world is on fire— perhaps especially when the world is on fire— I could not claim to love God while hating another human being.
I wrote a note in my phone: “I only love God as much as I love ___________.” The name in that blank changed. Politicians. Acquaintances. People on Twitter. Whoever.
I fought every day to change my mind and come into alignment with what God says about people I disagree with most: that they have infinite worth and unsurpassable value. That they are loved by God and my life should reflect that love.
Then one day, in what I expect will be a surprise to her, my friend Cara Dyba posted a screen shot of Psalm 139: “Search me God, and know my heart.” She underlined “me” and “my.”
And something clicked. This would be my prayer: Search me. Know me.
When I watch the news I have a tendency to point my finger in blame at everyone else on this planet rather than taking ownership of my own life. Taking ownership in my role in our systems. My attitude. My heart. My words. My social media posts.
This song was born out of me shifting from blame to responsibility.
The chorus of Kingdoms is simple: “Search my heart / Know my thoughts / Lead me in a way that’s everlasting.”
If you find yourself in need of a helpful prayer in these times, I hope this song meets you there.
-Savannah
Writing Prompt: Get honest with yourself. Is there any person or group of people you demonize, dehumanize or even hate? What would repentance look like?
Recommended Listening: My song, Kingdoms! It’s out today!
My pastor talked about forgiveness and restorative justice this past Sunday, so this is perfect timing!